Sienna's Story
"My mind felt like a bucket, and it eventually just became too full and overflowed..."
As I started on my first day as this new, optimistic and enthusiastic police officer I never thought I would struggle with what I would see when doing the job, but how wrong I was.
Fourteen years of exposure to trauma, being there often at a person's worst points of their lives, whilst taking on additional work, responsibilities and colleague's anxieties and worries eventually just became too much for me.
Yes, I often dealt with horrendous scenes that ordinary members of the public often don't see such as child deaths, suicides, people who have been murdered or suffered horrendous deaths by accidents but in a way, I felt I had a good structure and process of debriefing these scenes myself and compartmentalising them away in my brain.
It seemed to work, and I did feel I was invincible. Although the lack of police numbers on my block and an ever increasing workload over several months was making me finish later more regularly and meant I was having to work harder, whilst the pay didn't always reflect that too.
Fast forward to Summer 2024 and the August riots and this is where I quickly realised that I wasn't. A couple of weeks before the incident that happened in Southport which was the spark for the unforgiving scenes that unfolded, I had dealt with a horrendous murder which I know will stick with me forever. I did my usual... dealing with what I saw, ensuring I did my job to the best of my ability and after finishing my shift going home, watching some TV over a glass of wine.
In the following nights sleeps I did dream about what had happened but that wasn't that unusual for me. I got up went to work, socialised with friends and family but this incident just seemed to stick with me. I tended to drift back unwillingly to thinking about it and slowly it started to frustrate me that I couldn't seem to switch off from it, like I had been able to do previously. It just seemed to sit there in my subconscious, always there and over time it made me feel slowly and slowly more anxious around what I had seen and what actions I had taken as being first on scene. I had lots of questions... Had I done everything right? How was her family feeling? Could I have done anything differently? Even though I knew I had done my best it just stuck with me for weeks.
Whilst sat at home one night I saw what was going on in a part of the country following the unimaginable incident which had unfolded. I knew from then it was going to be big but what I hadn't anticipated was the scenes of violence and hate that followed in the days later. This resulted in me working 12 hours plus shifts as part of a public order unit and responding to reports of disturbances and protest in the days which followed. Short turnarounds in between shifts were already pulling on my resilience as my energy levels were already low.
It was the first weekend after the start of the disorder that the city where I worked saw serious disorder. Over several hours of carrying out intense tactics to try and quell the violent disorder I became increasingly shattered. At one point I felt I couldn't continue but I didn't want to let my colleagues down. However, over that shift what I did know was as my energy battery seemed to wear down, my mind felt like a bucket filling up with ever increasing irrational thoughts.
I eventually got home after working a 16 hour shift and just collapsed on the sofa, I couldn't sleep but I ached all over and my head banged repeatedly. What was then to follow was for me to crash and burn. That bucket I had in my head just eventually became too full and overflowed.
I self-referred myself to the Occupational Health Unit concerned that I didn't want my peers or line managers to think I was weak. I attended my first psychological assessment after weeks of being on the waiting list which felt like an eternity. I nearly ended up off work due to the feeling of not being able to carry on and cope. I decided to reach out to Thin Blue Line UK as I didn't want to go off sick and I am so glad that I did. Having access to their THRIVE app, coupled with being in contact with fellow officers, the trustees, who seemed to care and, on some level, knew what I was going through was a life saver to me. The app helped me just bridge the gap whilst waiting for my sessions to begin.
After attending my first session, if I am honest after finishing, I thought 'what a waste of time that was' but I wanted to persevere and tried to remain open minded. By the time of my fifth session, I was starting to open up and felt better for it. I learnt an important life lesson here which was to remain with it and carry on. After completing my sessions, I now feel so much better and have learnt important, helpful meditation techniques which help me on a day to day basis. I also have learnt instead of bottling things up to speak openly, both to friends, colleagues and family.,. not to just automatically reach for that glass of wine and bury my feelings.
What I would say is on my journey the amazing Thin Blue Line UK charity were essential and really helped me. I am now a strong advocate of spreading the important work that they do and how they can help colleagues in need as well. Numerous officers in my force recently received care packages from the charity following a horrendous incident that occurred in force. Their packages were so gratefully received by colleagues and for me what other organisation or charity would do such a kind, thoughtful deed... for me it is only Thin Blue Line UK.
Thank you for taking the time to read Sienna's Story...
Are you experiencing burnout and feel you could benefit from some strategies to improve your wellbeing?
Here at Thin Blue Line UK, we can help, working with THRIVE we offer mental health and positive wellbeing support through an in-app therapy service.
This is available, free of charge, to all Police Officers across the United Kingdom, so they can quickly access help when they need it and confidentially speaking to a qualified therapist.
